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12/30/2005 CHEAP SHOTS: What a disaster! By Bill Lueders Isthmus mops up the mess with a bucket of Cheap Shots 2005 will go down in history as the year of the disaster. As it started, the world was reacting with horror to the tsunami in southeast Asia. Then came the devastation of New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina; other severe tropical storms too numerous to mention; horrific earthquakes in Pakistan; unending violence in Iraq; and the savage pounding of President Bush’s approval ratings. Closer to home, twisters ripped through southern Wisconsin in August, destroying dozens of homes in the Dane County community of Stoughton. That was followed by news that the Federal Emergency Management Agency was denying disaster aid. Apparently, in George Bush’s America, the havoc wreaked on these people’s lives wasn’t disastrous enough. In other respects, it was a year of turmoil, distress, reputation-shattering comeuppances and gathering discontent. It was, in other words, a good year for Cheap Shots, Isthmus’ annual rite of journalistic exorcism. For what is now the 20th consecutive year, we are acknowledging some of 2005’s lows and highs with custom-made awards meant to amuse and refresh. We’re glad to have survived 2005. Here’s hoping 2006 will be less of a mess. Goaltender of the Year: Jim Doyle Once again, our only governor was mostly a disappointment. He did nothing to advance the cause of campaign finance reform — while, not coincidentally, building a monster war chest for next year’s election — and little else to restore Wisconsin’s battered traditions of progressive government. But as a hedge against the right-wingers who now run the Legislature, Doyle proved invaluable. He vetoed GOP efforts to shut down potentially life-saving stem-cell research, let pharmacists spike prescriptions they disagree with on moral grounds, require doctors to dispense dubious information on fetal pain, and forbid citizens lacking photo IDs from being able to vote. Hmmm, maybe that monster war chest isn’t such a bad thing after all. Most Pointless Institution: State Legislature The Gang of 132 has in past years snared similar awards (most disgraceful, most pathetic, etc.), and it’s earned them all. This year, as usual, the Leg did virtually nothing to address actual problems regarding jobs, health care, education and the environment. But it worked itself into a frenzy over non-problems like gay marriage, voter fraud and the fact that paranoid hotheads can’t legally carry concealed guns. The Republicans in charge are clearly obsessed with getting reelected. Too bad they aren’t nearly as focused on deserving it. Set Up for a Fall Award: Kevin Kennedy Who was it that took it on himself to sign a contract with Accenture, a sleazy Bermuda-based company with a history of screwing up, to create the state’s new voter registration system? Why, it was Kevin Kennedy, the normally sensible executive director of the Wisconsin Elections Board. Who defended the company as evidence poured in that this was a terrible move and state workers could have done the job better for less? Kennedy! Who had to admit that Accenture is behind and will miss a critical deadline? Kennedy! And who will take the blame if this deal turns out as badly as everyone but Kennedy predicted? (Hint: It starts with a K.) Truest Patriot: Russ Feingold Four years back, this gutsy Wisconsin Democrat cast the U.S. Senate’s lone vote against the USA Patriot Act, citing its disregard for civil liberties. This year, one day after the death of former Sen. Bill Proxmire, Feingold led a successful effort to keep the bill’s provisions from being made permanent, saying the Bush team’s claim that it can be trusted is simply not credible. Feingold, in his courage and commitment to principle, is proving worthy of comparison to Proxmire and Gaylord Nelson, the former governor and senator who also died this year. Perhaps worthy enough to become the first Cheesehead (as he puts it) to occupy the Oval office. Run, Russ, run. PR Geniuses of the Year: UW Brass As lawmakers troll for reasons to slash funding to higher ed, top UW officials seem eager to help. When UW-Madison vice chancellor Paul Barrows was accused of sexual harassment, they put him on a seven-month “sick leave,” so he could go job-hunting while continuing to collect his $191,000 salary. They’ve also kept paychecks coming to comp lit professor Lewis Cohen, convicted of using his university computer to send nude photos of himself to a 14-year-old boy. Indeed, 1,100 UW officials have guaranteed “backup” appointments if they prove incompetent enough to get fired, no easy feat. An audit has been ordered, but the damage is done. Backup appointments for everyone! Most Idiotic Controversy: The Holiday Tree For two decades, the massive balsam fir tree that graces the Capitol Rotunda has been called a “holiday tree,” since it is, after all, the holiday season. But this year, state lawmakers who take their cues from Fox News decided it was just freaking outrageous that the name of Jesus Christ wasn’t being invoked. “Every day, we see another instance of Christmas under attack,” exclaimed state Rep. Terry Moulton (R-Chippewa Falls), one of 46 lawmakers who signed a letter urging that the tree be renamed. How about calling it a Pandering to Christians Tree? Fallen Angel of the Year: Brian Burke This designation isn’t just something we came up with in crafting this award. The former state senator’s own lawyer used this term at Burke’s sentencing, also predicting that his obituary will prominently recall his fall from grace. Ouch. Burke went from being one of the state’s most powerful politicians to being convicted of felony misconduct in office, drawing a six-month jail term and $88,000 in fines (most of which he can pay with the campaign funds he raised illegally). He also went from vilifying the prosecutor who charged him to accepting responsibility for his misconduct. Maybe that means there’s still some angel left. The ‘I’m Guilty But Didn’t Do it’ Award: Chuck Chvala In contrast to Burke, the former Senate leader went down swinging, pegging the charges against him as trumped up and the laws he was accused of breaking as vague and unconstitutional, even as he pled guilty and was sentenced on two felony counts. He might have a point: Chvala was, after all, initially charged with 19 felonies (and Burke 18), so it’s hardly a stretch to suggest the prosecution was a bit overzealous. The judge, noting Chvala’s lack of contrition, gave him nine months in jail, more than the prosecution requested. Chuck paid a price for sticking to his guns, but who’s to say it wasn’t the right thing to do? Most Hysterical Overreaction: Scott Suder The Republican state rep clinches this fiercely competitive category with his meltdown in August over the UW-Madison’s plans to host Iraq War foes Jane Fonda and British Member of Parliament George Galloway. He called the event a “hate fest” in which “America-haters” were being imported to deliver “hate speech” — i.e., speech Suder does not like. “The university experience,” he declared, “should be about exploring new ideas, not having hate of your country being shoved down your throat by university professors.” Yikes. Imagine what “the university experience” would consist of if Scott Suder were in charge. Reversal of Fortune Award: Steven Avery In 2003, this Wisconsin man was freed after serving 18 years in prison for a crime DNA tests proved he didn’t commit. Then, this fall, he was charged — based largely on DNA evidence — with a grisly murder. Avery may be innocent of this crime too, but his martyrdom status is probably forever lost. Legislation crafted in response to his ordeal, once dubbed the “Avery bill,” was hastily renamed “the criminal justice reforms bill.” And the media suddenly were all over his past conviction for torching a cat. Avery, it turns out, has only one life, and may spend the rest of it behind bars. Girly-Man of the Year: John Gard Wisconsin’s Assembly speaker talks tough and is fiercely partisan, attacking political rivals like a rabid squirrel. But this year he proved to be a major wuss, when a Door County woman had delivered to his office a package containing sheathed hypodermic needles used by her little girl to inject insulin. (Juvenile diabetes is one of the diseases that could be cured by the stem-cell research Gard seeks to end.) Gard’s staff summoned the Capitol police to remove the non-threat. Now Gard, who this year also branded a group that backs Democrats a “terrorist organization,” wants voters to send him to Congress. Let’s hope he has a pretty dress. Most Valuable Lefty: John Nichols Besides being a swell guy, The Capital Times’ associate editor is among the left’s most prominent voices, with regular articles in The Nation and several worthy books. And he writes with ample bite, as in his take on Needlegate: “Gard is lying when he says there was any sort of threat whatsoever, and his lies are intended to distort the meaning of the protest. There is no question that Gard is a troubled man who has become so obsessed with his own career that he is willing to sacrifice the health and safety of Wisconsinites in his desperate clawing for political advancement. But the extent of his cruelty — as illustrated by his willingness to play politics even with the lives of sick children — is shocking.” You go, John. The Hurry Up Please It’s Time Award: WisconsinEye Q: What could possibly be more tedious than watching state legislative proceedings on TV? A: Waiting year after year for such programming to begin. WisconsinEye’s only apparent success is in snaring grants and funneling large salaries to its execs, including the $120,000 annual wad pocketed by founder Jeff Roberts, who was finally replaced as head honcho this year. Now it’s said WisconsinEye may begin legislative broadcasts in January — of 2007. We can hardly wait. Worst Campaign Launch: Kathleen Falk The Dane County exec is among the state’s most impressive politicians — heck, people. But her bid for attorney general against a progressive incumbent Democrat got off to a dismal start. She drew fire from the left for potentially splitting the party, and from the right for allegedly being a big fan of “thugs and gangsters” — this from one of her GOP rivals. Her lackluster kickoff speech was marred by her claim, based on a faulty state report, that juvenile arrests for murder top those of adults (actually, the total for adults is 10 times as large). And she irked campaign-finance reformers by hastily rejecting a proposed spending cap. There’s little doubt Falk could handle this job, but she hasn’t seemed quite up to the task of running for it. The Bill W. Sobriety Award: Attorney General Candidates What do Falk, Paul Bucher and JB Van Hollen have in common? All want to unseat Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager, whose main vulnerability seems to be that she got caught driving drunk in 2004. That was considered especially bad since Lautenschlager is the state’s highest elected law enforcement official and was driving a state vehicle. But her three challengers purport to be even purer than that. All say they have never in their lives gotten behind the wheel of an automobile while impaired. Not once, not ever. Oh, wait, there’s one more thing they have in common: All are just a single former acquaintance who remembers that party after graduation or the night of John and Joan’s wedding away from being tossed from the race. We’ll drink to that. Maybe Peg will too. Nice Guys Finish Last Award: Dave Ciesleswicz It was bound to happen. More than halfway into his first term, Madison’s mayor is showing signs that his popularity is on the wane. He clashed with Progressive Dane and the business community, and lost a key fight to keep the city from committing itself to a risky refinancing of the Overture Center. The Cap Times responded to the mayor’s condemnation of the annual horror show known as Halloween by telling him to “chill out.” And the Wisconsin State Journal asked the only-in-Madison question, “Has Mayor Dave Lost His Mojo?” Say it ain’t so, Joe. Losers of the Year: Citizens for Responsible Government People engaged in civic activism are often unfairly accused of being outside agitators. But for this Milwaukee-based group that launched a recall campaign against Cieslewicz, the label fits. The group falsely assumed the intensity of bellyaching by Madison barkeeps over the city’s new smoking ban meant its cause would have wide support. Instead, the effort was so lame even the local Tavern League did not support it. Then the group’s leaders made fools of themselves (or was that their starting position?) suggesting Mayor Dave sicced the cops on a Madison bowling alley with illegal games because it hosted a recall rally. Too bad there’s no way to recall these folks. Don’t Even Want to Think About It Award: Bob D’Angelo The former Overture Center president was once among the highest-paid and most respected officials in Madison. Then he resigned abruptly this September, after an employee filed a sexual harassment complaint, including the accusation that he once took It out. Yuck. Several other women subsequently came forward to report inappropriate conduct, and it emerged that D’Angelo forcibly kissed a young intern applicant in 1991. Ugh. Plus, there are reports that he used his position for personal gain. Jeez, you think you know a guy, and the next thing you know he’s accused of acting like a U.S. president. Sigh. Fibber of the Year: Kevin Kesterson The Dane County Board chair, on being charged last January with misdemeanor obstruction for fibbing to a deputy about his friend’s smear campaign, was greatly indignant, professing his innocence and accusing the deputy and others of political plotting. Last month, Kesterson entered a plea that led to his conviction on the misdemeanor charge, and evidence was presented of his active complicity in this campaign. Kesterson gave in to calls for his resignation, but still seemed intent on blaming others. That, too, lacked honesty. Jimmy Hoffa Unionist Award: Mike Rice Two years ago, the longtime head of the United Food and Commercial Workers Union was a heroic yet tragic figure, like Brett Favre, leading his members in a noble but failed 14-month walkout against Tyson Foods. Now he’s just tragic. In late November, Rice was sentenced to six months in jail, to be followed by six months of home detention and three years of extended supervision, for embezzling more than $30,000 from union coffers. He’s repaid the money but can never repair the harm he’s done to the cause to which he devoted much of his life. How sad is that? Most Secretive Public Entity: Madison Schools This summer, the school board announced plans to meet in closed session to discuss teacher bennies, until this was deemed improper. In fall, the district suppressed a report that criticized school officials over the stun-gunning of a 14-year-old student on grounds that there was “pending litigation” — which of course means the litigants had certain access. It also cut a secret deal to buy land for a new school on the city’s southwest side, with board members refusing to delay final approval for even one week to allow for public input. What might voters do the next time the schools come seeking more money? Shhh! It’s a secret! It Could Only Happen to Jackie Award: Jacquelyn Mitchard Yes, this award is named after its recipient, befitting the latest weirdness to befall the famed local writer. The 52-year-old mother of six decided she wanted a seventh child, finding a Kentucky woman to be a surrogate for Mitchard and her huz. But the surrogate’s own hubby balked, refusing to relinquish parental rights under Kentucky law to a child who bears none of his DNA. Mused Mitchard, “Nothing in my life has ever, ever, ever been the way it is in other people’s lives. There is always this twist. It’s as if the universe all of a sudden noticed, ‘This is Jackie Mitchard’s life.’” Yeah, that must be it. Most Beautiful Dead Jew: Joel Gersmann The founder and longtime artist director of Broom Street Theater would have loved the title of this award, just as he would have loved that a tribute to his life and work was called “The Most Beautiful Jew in the World,” the name of the play he was working on when he died in June at age 62. Gersmann challenged and affronted his audiences, staying true to his eccentric vision, bringing a new kind of community theater into being. The ultimate tribute to his life and work is that Broom Street is still going strong. Blood Bather of the Year: Robert Morlino Madison’s bishop was giddy with excitement at being asked by the Pentagon to serve on the oversight board for the U.S. Army’s former School of the Americas, whose Latin American graduates have gone on to murder priests and nuns. Critics said the board serves largely to provide cover for the school, a charge Morlino promptly proved when he pooh-poohed confirmed human-rights abuses as mere “allegations” and in other ways began shilling for the school. Last year, soon after arriving in Madison, Morlino accused the community of lacking “public morality.” Now the question arises: How moral is Bishop Morlino? Sorry to See You Go Award: Ira Sharenow Sure, Madison’s maximum anti-smoker was a pain in the butt (pun intended), as likely to turn on those who mostly agreed with him as those who would have liked to snuff him out. But before leaving Madison this summer for sunny California, he gave his all to the cause, holding elected officials accountable, getting media to cover his issue, pushing for stricter rules to protect public health. Most of all, he proved just how powerful a single determined citizen activist can be. For that, he deserves a collective puff of gratitude. No, Really, Goodbye, Have a Swell Life Award: Ira Sharenow Number of e-mails regarding Madison smoking-related issues sent by Sharenow and received by Isthmus since the end of July, when he relocated to California: 139. The Last Angry Man Award: Gene Parks It’s a sad thing to have to posthumously honor Madison’s preeminent malcontent. Gene, who died in February at age 57, was, as Paul Soglin put it, “Madison’s most passionate native son.” He spent much of his life agitating against racism and hypocrisy, pushing his city to live up to its ideals. He wasn’t always right, but he was never complacent. And, after working himself to a fever pitch of indignation, he’d let loose a deep, rich, earthshaking laugh. He’ll be missed. He already is. Funniest Screw-Up: Kathleen Falk Okay, so maybe three cheap shots in one year is a bit much, but we need to acknowledge the Leno-worthy press release put out by her office this summer: “County Executive Falk to be Named One of the Top 20 Nature-Friendly Places in the Country.” --Lueders is an Isthmus editor. This article first appeared in the Madison weekly on Dec.29. |
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